Thursday, August 10, 2017

A Personal Milestone

School sucks but at least it ends. Every semester ends, and, eventually, whatever program you're in ends. And then you move on to more school or your career or whatever.

Right now I am enjoying a moment where I can just pause and take a slow, deep breath.
I have officially finished the first year of my graduate-level healthcare program.

The even better part is... Let the countdown begin!!!
Let's wrap up another year of coursework, pack up what's left of my stuff, and move out of state! There are so many more opportunities for me where I'm going. Where I am now would be perfect if I was raising children. But I'm not. So I'm moving somewhere else to live a different life.

The last five years were awful. I didn't know what to do, but I knew no one was gonna do anything for me. I had to dig really fucking deep to come up with any ideas for what to do with the rest of my life. Every day was a struggle. Every step was nearly impossible. Every single thing was just so fucking HARD. But I kept getting up (most days, not all) and putting one foot in front of the other. And now I can see a future I will enjoy, a future where I can be of service to others.
It is still distant, but I can see it. And I will keep going.



Tuesday, August 1, 2017

My Best Friend Got A Puppy

My best friend got a puppy!

She's a little white labrador, and she's so cute. My friend has been texting me pictures throughout the day and I loved seeing this little pup's car ride home and first nap on the bed. Is this how other people feel when their best friend has a baby?? Haha. (Disclaimer: I don't equate kids and animals. They're both great, but they are two very different things.) But I am SO excited! Hahaha.

Part of my excitement is that the puppy is so darn cute!

But another part of it is it satisfies my desire to get a puppy. I can live vicariously through her pictures and stories. I will eventually meet the pup, but we live very far apart so she will be much bigger by the time I meet her.

She's so little and cute and sleepy. Haha I'm already looking forward to more pictures and/or videos this week.

*****

I love this friend. We met at a job almost ten years ago, both moved on to new jobs almost as soon as we'd met. Now we live in different states but always kept in touch regularly. She's just... So cool!! :) She reads good books and makes awesome art and does good work at her job and she's smart and funny and asks interesting questions.

She was there for me while I was trying to get pregnant and she was there for me when I stopped trying to get pregnant. She always let me know it would be okay either way. She recognizes the pronatalism of our society, and she knows what it's like to be childless not by choice.

She is invaluable. Priceless. An inspiring woman.

*****

And she got a puppy!

I'm so happy for my friend. This is going to be fun!!! :)





Sunday, July 30, 2017

Long Days, Short Years

Seriously? On Tuesday it's gonna be August 1st already? Of 2017??

How.

When I first heard the saying, "The days are long but the years are short," I didn't understand it.
I do now.

In less than two weeks I will finish this summer semester. That means I will have finished one whole year of school. I can barely believe it.

I can barely believe any of it.

I never got pregnant.
None of the dietary changes, vitamins, supplements, or acupuncture worked.
None of the fertility treatments succeeded.

I spent four months applying to graduate school.
I gave away half my stuff.
I sold my house.
I went back to school.

And now I have finished a year.


All I know is when that last IVF did not result in pregnancy, I was spent. I had nothing left. I had spent three years of my life trying to have children (it felt like a decade) and I felt like I had nothing to show for it. I promised myself that I wouldn't be sitting in the same chair in the same house doing the same thing three years from that point. That was two years and four months ago.

Let's keep this party going...


Sunday, July 23, 2017

Acceptance and Avoidance

With all of the progress I'm making in my recovery from infertility, I'm still avoiding babies. And toddlers. And my friends and family that are parents to babies and toddlers. And pregnancies. And newborns. It's just too awkward for me. And sad still. Maybe it won't hurt as much with the passing of time.

I'm curious how I'll feel in my 40s. As I grow into the idea that I will not be parenting in this lifetime. As I grow older and know that the children I would've had would also be growing older. As people ask me less and less when I'm having children.  As it becomes less expected by society that I will even have children.

In ten years, will being around 14 year olds bother me? Maybe, maybe not. Will babies and toddlers still tug at my yearning? I don't know.

If I had to guess, I think a part of me will always be a little sad for what's been lost, all the memories and moments and opportunities. I really do like all ages of the human lifespan. And I was looking forward to all of the parts of parenting: the good, the bad, and the expensive.

But as I've met and talked to a couple of women older than me without children, I know that feelings can change with each passing decade. What used to seem impossible to me (living life without children), now holds some exciting possibilities. That doesn't mean I don't miss my children; it just means that I'm making the best of my situation.

But I don't have to explain that to you... :)

So where I am right now, toward the end of July 2017, is simultaneously a place of acceptance and a place of avoidance. I don't know if that makes sense but it doesn't have to make sense, because it's infertility and nothing makes sense. I am currently a little worker bee, doing my best to get through this school program. I don't have much time to be social (although I take at least a night or two off a week to go out to dinner or hang out with my husband), and I'm just not making plans with anyone who has little ones right now...

I accept my reality, but I still avoid any reminders of what I'm missing.
And I accept that that is where I am right now.

Sunday, July 16, 2017

Phases of Resilience

I had to read an article about resilience and adversity the other day. Of course, there was no mention of infertility at all even though nearly everything in the article could relate to it. The author talked about trauma and coping strategies and implications for practice in the medical field. I was dreading doing the assignment, and then the article actually ended up being interesting haha. It's so nice when that happens.

The article covered so many themes:

  • extreme life events are threatening
  • loss of one's identity
  • psychological stress due to culture's definitions of what is valuable
  • being in limbo (those with chronic illness)
  • the power of social support.

But one of the most relevant parts was when the author discussed the phases of resilience. I'm paraphrasing but here's the idea real quick. First, there is an acute phase, when all of one's energy is going to the situation. Then there is the reorganization phase, when one begins to accept the new reality. And then there is the rest of one's life. That's it. That's how trauma and crisis goes in a nutshell.

I suppose my experience wasn't totally acute. Acute means short-term and I dealt with infertility over a more long-term period of time. But still. It was a million little acute responses to a chronic condition until I reached my personal point of exhaustion.

It's so interesting to me how much recovery and rehabilitation from all sorts of physical and mental health conditions have so many similarities. It is shocking-not-shocking at the lack of infertility being any part of the conversation in the articles and textbooks I read as a future medical professional.

But I really like it when I read something that describes what I just went through. I think that's why the phases of resilience resonated with me so much.

  1. acute response
  2. reorganization
  3. live the rest of my life 

😎

Friday, July 7, 2017

Gratitude

In contrast to my constant frustration with waiting for my new planned-for future to arrive (and, yes, the idea of planning anything ever will always be incredibly eye rolling for me) is my ever-present gratitude for what so many refer to as The Present Moment.

I mean, it IS all we ever have.

When did Oprah start telling us to keep gratitude journals? Hold on, I'm gonna search that...
Oh, 1996. Even earlier than I thought. Well, I didn't try the idea until late 2008. At the time I was very unsure of what was going on in my life- where I was, what I was doing. Hmmm, sounds familiar. I wanted to refocus my mind on the positive things I had so I started a gratitude journal. I wrote often at first, always thankful for my health and loved ones. Then I just wrote every couple of weeks or so. Then every couple of months. But I always wrote. Even if I forgot for awhile. I would remember and come back and jot down a few things I was thankful for. And, well, basically, what I want to share is I just now finished that journal. 2008-2017. Nine years of gratitude.

It's pretty cool. The practice helped me shift my thinking over time. I'm not a fan of "positive thinking all the time." Like, I don't think we manifest everything we envision and sometimes life just sucks and it's important to be real and feel that too. But, I do value gratitude. There's usually always something to be thankful for. I have no intentions of finding a silver lining in every situation, but I do like to pause and be thankful for different things.

My health. Well, the parts of my health that are healthy.
My resilience.
My husband.
My dog.
My lack of food insecurity.
My house that I rent.
My school that I attend.
My dreams for the future.
My means to work toward those dreams.

Gratitude helps lighten the load.

Thursday, July 6, 2017

Waiting, Waiting, Waiting

I know that ultimately everything in life is temporary. We are all born and we all die. The days are long but the years are short. I know all this. But I still have to/get to experience the daily realities of my life. And my life, for over the last five years, has been full of waiting.

The waiting throughout infertility is almost unbearable. Well, because at first, I didn't know I was infertile. So I temped and charted and tried to get pregnant for two years. By then, I figured there was a problem. Actually, I knew there was a problem only 7 months in when I got my AMH results back. But I figured I was subfertile, not sterile, that I would get pregnant and have a baby if I just stayed patient. Then I spent almost a year working with my doctor, whom I loved. But I still didn't get pregnant. Then I spent another year hoping I would be one of those stories who, after all the years and all the treatments didn't work, miraculously got pregnant. Oh gawd, that was a lot of waiting. Like I've said before, it almost killed me.

So my lifelong dream of having children didn't happen. I had to figure something else out.
I hated where I lived and I hated what I was doing. I wanted to change almost my entire life.

And that's awesome! Well... Sorta.  I mean, it's an awesome response to trauma and devastation. I felt like I was dying, and I chose to live. I just had to figure out where and how. 'Cause it sure as hell wasn't happening out in the 'burbs as an infertile housewife.

And you already know: I moved, sold my house, and went back to school blah blah blah.

The thing is though, it's just more WAITING. 😩

And hard work.

ZzzZzzZzz

hahaha


I don't want to wish my life away, but...
I am so ready to be living the next phase of my life already.
I am eager to graduate, move, start my new career, put down some roots, and explore new hobbies and volunteering activities. I am ready to live my life. I am so tired of waiting.


Oh well. I'll do it anyway. 😂 😂 😂